Listening to: The Doobie Brothers - Real Love
People fucking suck, and I will be so thrilled to get out of this English program. Apparently, if you're not really into the whole "we shall discuss nothing but politics (for which I often play Devil's Advocate) and books and how awful anything remotely not high-culture is" thing, you may as well not exist.
The injury - I didn't graduate with many of my colleagues. This is due to some of my insecurities, and also to the fact that I hate combing through literature as though it is a frog dissections. Literary criticism BORES me. I couldn't handle being in a couple graduate-level lit classes; I think it had a lot to do with the fact that I can't and won't use the lexicon of "smart discourse." I talk like a person who likes to be understood by everyone. Unfortunately, this is not par for the course in graduate level courses. I felt like an idiot, and I dropped out of the two classes.
I know I'm not an idiot.
The issue is, I needed those classes to get my diploma, and I still haven't taken them; this will be remedied in the fall - and I'll be in the classes with some friends from the first-years (I'm technically a second-year - or rather, was. Now I'm up to 2.5).
There is absolutely nothing wrong with graduating a little late. I know that, and I accept that. It just comes in direct contrast with all of the successes of my earlier years. No problems in high school, no problems in college, and then, BAMF. Still, it's annoying to be the one "left behind."
The insult -One of my colleagues, who I had always been friendly with (we were quite tight my first year, even though she's a poet and I'm a fiction writer), who I had helped to move into her apartment, threw a happy graduation party. That's totally fine, and it makes a lot of sense. The part that I don't understand is that it seems a whole number of people, not just graduates, attended.
I was not invited. I had a free week, wherein people could call me, ask me what was up. I call them, and they tell me they're busy, which they very well could be.
I had to find out I had been slighted via Facebook.
Maybe I'm being irrational, or hypersensitive, or some shit like that, but I'm really hurting from this. It's not the first time this has happened in some form, and maybe I should have prepared myself.
I feel really, really lonely right now. And I've been crying about this a little while.
::sigh::
I hope I'm never thoughtless again. Now I know how it feels when I hurt someone accidentally.
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4 comments:
I have no idea why good friends of ours just decided to stop having anything to do with us after a number of years of knowing them, including before any of us were married. Still hurts to this day.
*hug*
*hugs Slice
That totally sucks. I've been guilty of deciding certain friends wouldn't have fun with other friends and found out later I hurt someone. I still feel bad, though both parties tease me nicely now. 10 years later and I still cringe inside.
We're human, mistakes happen and it hurts. But the party would have been way more fun with you there, so their loss.
I'm glad you talk like people will understand you. That will make you loved as you progress in your career by the people that matter.
Grad school is one of the most harsh environments and I can imagine it's especially hard with your depression and anxiety struggles. *hugs*
Continue to grow, as we've seen you do. Screw those that don't want to stick by you. Also screw other people that won't listen and grow. Their loss in life.
I'm glad you talk like people will understand you. That will make you loved as you progress in your career by the people that matter.
Grad school is one of the most harsh environments and I can imagine it's especially hard with your depression and anxiety struggles. *hugs*
Continue to grow, as we've seen you do. Screw those that don't want to stick by you. Also screw other people that won't listen and grow. Their loss in life.
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