Listening to: Paul Simon - 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover
I think I'm weak, maybe.
I hate fights, and I get really, really uncomfortable when people start arguing back and forth, calling names, getting all into their strong personal opinions to the point where they might be completely seeing rage and nothing else.
It happened last semester, in my writing workshop. Two people, with whom I'm friendly, got into a massive shouting match over my head, about the content of a story. It was a stupid fight, and both were being completely disrespectful of the rest of the class; it was painfully obvious that everyone was getting uncomfortable with the situation - including the teacher. Unfortunately, said teacher, who I adore completely, kept his mouth shut and allowed the argument to continue.
My friend Carlos had to step out of the room mid-fight, but because the fighting was going on over me, I was completely paralyzed and froze in my chair. The shouting got louder and louder, and I kept sinking further into my seat. I began pulling my hood over my head, as though it were a kind of shield, but it didn't work. I started to cry right as we hit break-cool-down-time. I was embarrassed, but I think maybe I sent a message - fighting hurts everyone, even if they're not involved. Maybe I'm a wimp because I can't expose what strong feelings I have (particularly how I'm blase about politics), but I simply can't argue while ramming my head into a wall and telling someone repeatedly how wrong they are.
I think right now, I'm explaining the caption next to my picture, about how I'm the gray area. I just don't like telling people they're wrong and that I'm right. It took me a few years of mellowing and med-adjustment to reach this kind of Zen, but I do wonder if maybe a little part of me died.
Is it a bad thing to really dislike intense debate? Does it make me a weakling? I'm legitimately curious.
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She's the bipolar writer you love.
3 comments:
Good thing to ponder. I hate arguing, too, even a strong debate. I feel like it's just listening to two really defensive people act like megalomaniacs.
It's hard for me to even debate my husband. Yet, I love message board and blog discussions of topics. As long as nobody uses blanket statements about others, I like it.
So while it might have sparked tears in you, I would've sparked severe rolling of eyes and walking out for me. Even if it were happening over me, I'd have loved to shown disgust by getting up emphatically and leaving while saying "grow up." Yet, our two reactions would've been about the same thing, as you said, showing others their actions impact others. And that's ok.
Thicker skin will develop over time. I still cry in private at work if I'm angry and I'm supposed to be a grown-up. :-)
I think there are really very few people that enjoy a fight, and most are at least a bit uncomfortable when people are fighting around them. AND I think most people would do as you did, and NOT say anything. In fact, it's probably sfaer to stay out if it.
BTW, your request is fulfilled.
I'm a schizophrenic in this area.
Part of me loves to argue, and feels like if I don't say something to the contrary, I'm just consenting via my silence.
The other part of me doesn't like what I can become when I argue. Dr. David Banner, anyone?
I definitely see the world more in black and white terms (pause for *thuds* of shock). But that dredges up a whole set of problems, such as wondering whether the hill I want to die on will leave me and my relations with others as the only casualties.
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